Everybody Loves the Sorting Hat!
by Winstrom Tourniquet the 4th
Summary: The Sorting Hat is a time honored tradition at Hogwarts. But this year it just might be replaced....by Quizilla? The Wacky Misadventures of an unemployed Hat who's only job skills are decision making and rain deterring. M for swears, hinted Dumblesnape
1. Doing things Differently

The doors of the great hall flew open, to the amazement of all the students. A stylish hat was carried upon a velvet pillow by the clumsy professor Willikers. Their eyes fixated on the hat and its emerald glow. When Wilikers reached the podium the head master rose from his seat. Gripping his thin fingers around the edges of the podium his grin broadened. Looking the room over he took delight in holding their fragile attention so easily. Clearing his throat he began his explanation.

"From this year on, we'll be doing things a bit differently. This hat has been enchanted in a most unique way. For it is clairvoyant in the ways of each wizard's potential, and ultimately in which house one might be able to hone their individual gifts. Each new student must be sorted accordingly upon arrival to Hogwarts. And without further Delay…" He tapped his wand on the tip of the hat and it became sentient. "Pear Abbington, please have a seat." Head master Hanson lifted the hat off of its pillow and lowered it onto the quivering child's scalp.

"Ravenclaw!" it cheered aloud. The entire hall gasped at the animated hat. The novelty wore off half way into the C's.

"Albus Dumbledore! Have a seat." He dusted off the stool. "Have a seat." The young wizard obliged. The hat took its time with this one. To this day no one can exactly recall what the hat muttered to itself as it weighed each option accordingly. All except for Dumbledore himself…

*Insert Harry Potter Score Here to indicate the passing of time*

Dumbledore popped the cork with a wide grin. It was the first night of another year of teaching at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. While the first years nervously rolled about in their fresh seats, the teachers began to drink like tomorrow would never come.

"Albus, I got a good feelin' about dis batch!" Hagrid meowed to the head master. Albus returned a warm smile to his dearest friend. The usually quiet and empty head master office was brimming with wet beards and low cut gowns. As the muggles might say, 'the joint be jumpin.' As the night wore on many instructors passed out on the cobble stone floor and professor Flitwick ended up getting some. Roughly an hour before dawn, only the heads of house and Dumbledore lay awake. They lay sprawled out on their wizard sleeping bags in the middle of the room.

"Hey Severus? " Dumbledore whispered, rolling onto his tummy.

"What?" The potions master answered as morose as usual.

"Whatcha thinkin?" The old wizard swayed his feet back and forth through the air, bobbing a single slipper playfully.

"If you **must** know, I was wondering about the latest group of first years. Do you believe the sorting hat to be the most precise method of determining which house is best for the children?"

"Why Severus, I've never thought of it like that. I mean the hats been around as long as I've been…"

"What do you purpose Severus?" McGonagall interjected.

"Perhaps we might open a Quizilla account, with their magic we could set up a series of hypothetical situations with four different responses. Based on the character traits the student exhibits we will then place them in the appropriate house." This made sense to the other heads of house, yet Dumbledore remained nostalgic. The Sorting Hat was a staple of Hogwarts, almost as iconic as the great lake, or forbidden forest.

"Perhaps a trial run might be necessary? We could test a group of students from three different years and see how the Quizilla and Hat both decide on the house's they already reside in."

"Sounds like a plan, Headmaster." Snape jeered as he put his arm around Dumbledore's shoulder.

"Nighty night Severus" he chuckled.

"Sleep well." The potions master hissed.

"Fags" McGonagall snorted as she staggered out the room.


	2. Tradition

"What's all this then?" Ron Wesley muttered to himself at breakfast. The toast and jam and eggs and cereal and coffee and scones and whiskey all the students had been enjoying transfigured into 1990's era Macintosh computers. All head turned towards the teachers table, where only Dumbledore and Snape stood at the podium.

"From this year on, we'll be doing things a bit differently…" Snape announced. Dumbledore elbowed the potions master off of the podium.

"If this all works out, then perhaps some changes might be made to the sorting process." The crowd erupted with mummers and panic. "Professor Snape, has advised me that the magic of 'Quizlla' might be able to sort you better than our usual method. So to determine if this is true or not, all 5th, 4th and 3rd years are to take the new sorting quiz, as designed by professor Snape. After you receive the results you'll be moved to which ever house is picked for you for a week and see how you fit in………..educationally.

"What if we get sorted into different houses?" Fred asked George.

"I couldn't imagine that in a million years Fred, but let's see about this quiz of old Snapes." George chuckled.

The students all logged in and began the quiz "Which Hogwarts house should YOU belong to??"

"What's all this then?" Ron pointed furiously at the screen. The very first question was,

"Are you a Ginger?"

"The answers add points towards each house, at the end of the quiz the house you've allotted the most points to will become yours…" Snape droned on.

The Wesley's all clicked 'Yes'

GRYFFINDOR! The screens all flashed.

"How come it's decided? We've only just started." Ginny raised her hand.

"Yeah!!" the twins hollered.

"What's all this then?" Ron complained.

"Wesley's just get your pale ass's back up the tower…" Snape yelled, shaking his head.

The rest of the students continued the quiz, slowly realizing that the questions got stranger as they went on.

"It's a sunny day, what do you do?"

Go visit Hagrid

Stay in the Shade

Look for Nargles

Sparkle

"What in the world is one about?" Hermione whispered to Harry. "Who in their right mind would say they sparkle? That doesn't even make sense…"

"Yeah, perfect." Cedric Diggory remarked as he clicked on D.

Another question read,

You see Harry Potter, what **Do** you do?

Ask if he's uncovered the latest mystery you've been solving over the year.

Scoff at him and call him a fag.

Cock Tease him.

Who's Harry Potter?

"Luna…" Cho Chang nudged daydreaming new god of the wizarding world. "psst… what did you put for the Harry Potter question?" Luna opened her perfect mouth and as always knew exactly what to say.

"Oh I just went with C for that one."

"Yeah that seemed right to me." Cho smiled. Little did anyone know that across the Hall Draco Malfoy was also selecting C for that particular answer…

"I sorta just put D for all of 'em" Cedric explained to the group of female followers he always kept.

After all the results had been reviewed by the teachers, the only drastic change was Neville Longbottom being switched over to Sytherin.

"Sorry guys, I think I messed up." He waved glumly to his old house mates.

That night in the headmaster's office…

"Well Snape, things seemed to go over pretty well with that Quizilla." Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes It did Albus. Today was proof enough that the old ways are obsolete." Snape sneered.

"I do suppose your right in that sense…" the wise old wizard contemplated.

"Then you know what you must do…" Snape un-sheathed his cobra scepter, its ruby eyes mesmerized Albus. "You must let go of tradition, cast the tattered hat to the winds."

"To the winds." Dumbledore muttered halfheartedly. "But it's so old!" he protested. Snape waved his scepter a second time and Dumbledore complied. Lifting the hat off of its worn velvet pillow he opened the windows of his office. The sorting hat awoke to this disturbance.

"What's all this then?" he asked his old friend.

"You're services, are no longer required." Dumbledore uttered, still under the snakes spell. He spread his fingers and the wind snatched the hat, and it soared off into the autumn breeze.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK," The hat bellowed in the wind. "Dumbledore you shit eater I should have shoved your ass in Hufflepuff!!" and with that it vanished. The last person to see it was Hagrid, who was cleaning owl crap off the roof. At the sight of the hat flying off, he simply raised his fists to the sky and shouted,

"Tradition!!"


End file.
